


What It Takes To Feel Again

by MindscapeWish



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Gen, Self Harm, hurt fic, touch starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23504350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindscapeWish/pseuds/MindscapeWish
Summary: Alcor breaks down in between Mizar's reincarnation cycles.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	What It Takes To Feel Again

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR SELF HARM

Alcor didn’t know how long it’d been, but it’d been a while. The stars of space, numerous in the vast nothingness, were beginning to blur the longer he stared blankly.

Numb.

Was there any escape from it?

Alcor knew that Mizar would have to die some day. Human lifespans weren’t very forgiving, always taking the one person you couldn’t live without away from you too soon. Mizar would die in whatever way she would and her soul would be sent back through the cycle. She would be reincarnated again, in another lifetime, in another body, to another family. She would come back to him.

Alcor knew this. But it never got any easier. In fact, it just got worse.

Every Mizar that came into the world always slipped through his fingers too soon, each one quicker than the last. No matter how hard he grasped, or how many moments he’d memorized, Mizar was always leaving him.

Time and time again, the numbness spread a little more. The bad periods lengthened.

Time and time again, Alcor realized he could do absolutely _nothing._ He was helpless. Each time, another brick was placed on his heart, another beat-down, another _failure_.

He was tired. Well.. tired wasn’t the right word.

He was exhausted.

The demon blinked for the first time in what was probably days, judging by how much he was forgetting the time. He looked around the inky black that he was aimlessly floating in.

Alcor hadn’t always been this numb. The first few reincarnation cycles had left him a wreck, crying until he ran out of tears, lashing out on whoever dared disturb him in his mourning, but he refused to let himself be destroyed.

Mizar wouldn’t want that.

So Alcor would pick himself up, lick his wounds and dry his eyes, and continue on. The nightmares in his Mindscape would watch him pick his body up from the ground, having been clutching one’s wool for days. Alcor would thank his flock for taking care of him and he would disappear to go find his life again.

But it wasn’t like that anymore.

Alcor hadn’t been to his Mindscape in months, subjecting himself to aimless floating throughout space because he couldn’t find the energy to do anything else. Any summons that pulled him away were incinerated instantaneously, creating hysteria in whatever following he had at the time.

God, what he would do to feel Mizar’s touch again. If Alcor felt anything, it would be a yearning for her hugs again. Every reincarnation always had the best ones. Big gigantic bear hugs that left you smelling like her perfume, that made your ribs creak like they would crush, like every part of your fractured soul was pieced back together again if only temporarily.

Mizar was magical like that, he thought.

When Alcor thought too hard about it (and he was), he missed having touch as a whole. He missed _feeling_ something.

What if he could _make_ himself feel something?

Alcor looked down at his arms and pushed up the sleeves of his suit, to reveal the fair, unblemished skin beneath. There were faint blue veins beneath his skin, no longer pumping any blood for any bodily organ, but there were there.

He took a single, long claw, and pressed the tip to his wrist. The skin sliced open and dribbled gold, but healed up nearly as fast as it was made. Alcor stared blankly and did it again.

He could feel the pinch of his claw, feel the blood bubble to the surface, but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t physical, it didn’t stay, it wasn’t _enough._

Alcor hiked his sleeves up even farther and furiously dug his claws into his arms, raking and ripping, time and time again. Gold covered his arms, dripped into the grass (when did he appear in the Mindscape?) and blaringly stained his clothes.

More, more, **_more._ **

Every single gash healed just as quick as it was made, never deep enough, never feeling enough. Alcor grit his teeth, fangs bared.

Why couldn’t he fucking feel this? Why couldn’t he get enough?

He needed, _needed_ , to feel it, for the pain to engulf his senses and distract him, _ground him_ , to keep any sense of sanity. 

Alcor needed _something_. This was better than nothing, than aching for Mizar’s hugs or the brush of their hands. The pain, sharp but fleeting, was better than starving for some type of physical acknowledgement.

He was so tired of failing.

Tears streamed down Alcor’s cheeks, dripping and mixing with the blood. He barely noticed them.

A nightmare shoved its head into his side and blocked his view to his arms, an alarmed bleat reaching his ears. Alcor toppled to his side, but made no effort to get back up. He could only curl up and sob, frantically scratching and tearing desperately.

Something small in the back of his omniscience told him that Mizar wouldn’t want him to hurt himself like this. But _damn_ what Mizar would want. She wasn’t here.

The numbness felt permanent and no amount of reassurances would make it go away. No amount of physical pain, Alcor was discovering, was making it dissipate either.

Not until Mizar came back. And who knew how long that would take? Alcor could make guesses, but he didn’t control the reincarnation cycles.. They had fickle minds of their own. They let him down. What did it take to please them? He’d do anything.

So what does it take to feel again?

**Author's Note:**

> We love a good touch starved Alcor, don't we? Poor baby..
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.


End file.
